I love my little dumpling with all my heart, he's amazing...but I must say the hours for this whole mother job thing, is for the birds. This is not a 40 hour a week job. No sir. No lunch breaks, no 15's, no weekends off, no paid over time...no pay at all actually, no pd days, no vacation days, no sick days (I've been sick the past three days, I don't even think he noticed.) I think if I could have a weekend off, I'd come back feeling much more myself. But I can't exactly leave him home alone with the leftovers from last nights supper...yet.
I don't really think you can completely understand exactly what your parents have done for you until you are a parent yourself.Two weeks ago, my mother was taking my sister to California and was gone for the week, my little sister never came back, my husband was working over time and our friend Christine moved out and on to Tennessee, it was the first time I felt truly alone with the baby... and it was scarey. There were a lot of tears and messes, and sometimes Nehemiah would even cry a little too. I sat rocking him in the rocking chair, tears streaming down my face as I tried to pray him to sleep. All I could think of was God Bless my mother, what an incredible woman. Being a mother is THE MOST SACRIFICIAL thing you can be. You lose your time, you lose your life, you lose your body (you eventually can get back in shape but I know I'm stuck with some of these stretch marks), you lay everything down to keep this little being alive and happy, nothing touches all aspects of your life like a child does.
I was getting my hair done with my mother on Saturday, and the stylist commented on how she was back to work after taking quite some time off. I asked her if she missed her kids now that she wasn't a stay at home mom anymore. She responded it was good being back to work. It feels good to know there's more to her then being a mom.A wave a relief washed over me, I've been battling this for the past few weeks. Trying to find the right balance, what I am happy with doing, and what I should be doing regardless of whether I am happy or not. Can I truly find all the fulfillment I need from just being a wife and a mother? Am I even suppose to? Ryan and I have wanted to home school our kids while they are elementary school age.I feel like there is more to invest in them as parents at that age and we should not leave it to the world to do it for us. But here's the rub, I want to go back to university and Ryan wants to go to college, and I would like to use the profession I am planning on studying to make the world a better place. But can I study for the next 7-8 years AND invest in my kids the way I want to? Do I completely put my life on hold for the next 18 years or until the kids are old enough to take care of themselves? Can we even afford for me to do that? Do I want to be going to school at 40, is there even a point then? You can tell I'm trying to work out the "bad mommy" issue. I keep hearing the little voice, "what a bad mommy you are,wanting to abandon your kids and pursue your own dreams." But that's not the truth, and I know that.I think I know what I really want. I want to bring my kids on the adventure of me pursuing my dreams, not leave them at home to raise themselves. I also want to teach them to pursue their own. I think that is one of the biggest things for me as a parent to try and convey to my children, DREAM BIG AND GO DO IT. Imagining Nehemiah doing what he loves and loving his life seems like the mark of a successful parent to me.I think leading by example is a very powerful teaching tool.
This is all a new crazy juggling act but, would I give him up to get my old life back? No, never. It's a breathtaking thing to feel love from your own child. It stops you in your tracks when he smiles at you. I remember the first time he was crying while someone was holding him and they handed him to me and he calmed right down. My husband commented later how he loves his mommy. I'll never forget that rush of excitement when it dawned on me, "Really?! Do you think he actually knows who I am?! And actually LOVES me?!" It's the coolest thing ever, even with the crap shifts.
2 comments:
Shortly after we started taking Liberty on the weekends, there was a night when I was up over half the night with her because she wouldn't sleep. (Keep in mind that she was two, not two months.) She would cry whenever I put her in her bed. I rocked her, I prayed over her, I sang to her, but she just wouldn't sleep. Then I went to church and was on the worship team and the prayer ministry team. Motherhood ain't easy. I don't like going to work when we have her because I would rather be with her. However, Liberty has been without a father so long it's great for her to have a father with her full-time even if it means I only see her for a few hours a day. Eventually, things will change and I'll be able to stay at home and Chris will go to work. Spend the time with Nehemiah but spend some time for yourself, too. If you are completely spent, you won't have anything to give him. He needs contact with others, too... as long as you and Ryan are his home and his safe place.
May God guide you as you figure out what is important now and start taking steps toward your (collective) future.
Jennifer
Yes those nights are hard, but they are always worth it. I told Ashley the other day, there are gonna be times when you are gonna think, I can't do this, I can't go on... but you do, you keep doing it, and you keep going on! Bless you on your motherhood adventure as well.
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