dark places

Wow...I can't believe how long its been since I've written. There has been a lot going on. Expect lots of nonsense and grammatical errors in this post. I am too tired to edit it, but to worked up to sleep.

There has been some tragic, tragic deaths in my life the past few weeks. Both of them people I didn't know very well, but that were very close to loved ones. And it's been really, really painful. I really don't want to be all doom and gloom, but I'm depressed, and have been for weeks now, and maybe if I get it out, I'll feel better in the morning.

I choose to shelter myself, and attempt to preserve what innocence I have left and I try to be very careful about what movies and TV I watch, and the content of the books I read. And not that people don't hurt, and mourn when a loved one passes on, but I do believe as a society we have been desensitized to death in general. And it really bothers me. The glory in the fighting, and the pain and the death in action and thriller movies offends me. The glamorization of torture , cruelty and evil is hard for me to stomach. Watching this kind of stuff always bothered me,but now that people that where in my life are dead, its almost unbearable. It's the same thing with relationships, and affairs and divorces on tv and movies, they are so glamorized, and sexy and exciting, but then when you, yourself are living through it, and you can't change the channel...it's earth shattering.

So ... as cliche as it sounds...I've been questioning the meaning of life. I believe God loves us, that he always has and always will, I believe that the human race brought sin into our lives which damaged that relationship we could have had with God, but that Jesus came so that it would be restored, and we now have the open invitation to live with God, as friends... but if that was the whole purpose of life, to be in relationship with God, then why would he even both sending us to earth? Couldn't he just create us in heaven? Just skip this whole earth process, if all it was for was getting to know him and telling other people about him?...so im not at peace. And life is precious, so precious. there is a reason why we are all here, and therefore there is value in us all being here. But i dont know, we dont get it, I don't get it. All the wars, and the starvation and just unnecessary deaths, why? Why don't we value life anymore ? Why does the news not break our hearts? Why do we let our children watch people getting blown up or gunned down, or let them pretend to do it?

I also don't understand why we wait until the funeral to tell someone how awesome they are. When they're alive "oh well you know they have this problem..." or "oh well you know they have this issue.." but when they are dead...nobody has anything but good things to say about them. I wonder if we just CHOSE to live like that on a regular bases, CHOSE to focus on the best in people and to associate the best in someone with that person whenever we think of them.

The night Ryan and I found out that his uncle died suddenly of a heart attack there had been a lot of tension between us and we were fighting. His mother called me hysterical while Ryan was out saying how David had a heart attack driving home from work and died pulling into his driveway. What would I have done if Ryan pulled into my driveway and never got out of the car ... there are just so many things that aren't worth it, they just aren't. I feel like my life is a soap opera ... the things that have happened this year are insane... and I guess bottom line is, you just never know.

My heart is heavy , and I know I am mourning for more then the two lives that were lost ...however, I don't know what it is that I mourn for but I know it's ripping my spirit up.

I don't want this to be a downer, cause I know God is bigger and I trust him, I really do, for the first time in a long time I do. It's just heavy and painful ...and life goes on and there is no grid for it.

I'm going to try and go back to bed, hopefully my next post will be lighter.