motherhood, manic and misery

My weekend was a little hectic, as it often is, I would really like to slow down a bit, but I don't know how. This weekend though was especially emotionally draining.I have had so many things on my mind and my heart, and I think that may be why I haven't been blogging lately, I don't know how to articulate it all so that it makes sense, or has a point and isn't just incoherent rambling. So I might bounce around a little bit in this entry, we'll see where it goes.

Ryan and I really got into it yesterday morning, there had been tension since Wednesday, and I had slept in the guest room for two nights, so by Saturday morning, all this stuff that had been building up for 3 days, I was ready to rip his head off (I think I have temper problems.) Let me just explain this fundamental thing you need to understand if you ever want a heterosexual relationship to work ..men and women are different. I really don't think a lot of people get it, but I think it damages the woman more. I hear so many people sharing or talking about relationship issues thinking their is something wrong with their partner, but in my head, I'm thinking this doesn't sound like a Dick and Jane difference , this sounds like a men and women difference.

Anyways... So Rye and I were really duking it out Saturday morning, it was painful and it was hard, and I think the hardest part about it was that I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to fix us. Essentially it boils down to this, I need Ryan to be more involved with helping me at home,however I have a couple of issues with that. Number one, I feel guilty about needing his help, I know he's gone working all day, at a job he hates none the less, and he's not sleeping well cause I'm not sleeping well, so he is always exhausted. So for me , as a wife, I WANT to take care of him, and have him come home to a beautiful, clean house, with supper on the table and ribbons in my hair and a bowtie on the baby, I want our home to be a sanctuary for him. A place where he can get away from the world, and just be in a safe loving place and get recharged and filled up. SO, when I need him to do stuff around the house, guilt and shame come in and I feel like a failure (for all those woman wondering, My husband has never confessed a desire for this, I just have this fantasy house-wife idea in my head that I feel like I'm suppose to fulfill...no idea where it came from) and I can't remember what other issues I have with that ...too sleepy to make sense anymore but essentially, I feel tracked in this very stressful cycle. Ryan's stressed about work comes home to a wife that's stressed out about the house being a mess, her hair not being brushed ( what am I talking about brushed...I mean not even washed) trying to get her makeup business up and going and trying to take care of the baby and have a little bit of a social life as I get terribly lonely with just me and the babe. So like most people when they feel guilty, they get defensive, and when we are defensive, we're on edge and that's where I've been for I don't know, the past two months at least, and it is EXHAUSTING. But the hard part about our fighting and disagreeing Saturday morning was trying to come up with a resolution. You're in pain, I am in pain, how are we gonna change this. What can we do to make this better. I feel like we are in cycle, he can't quit his job we need him to work for money, so it comes back to me, what can I do to relieve some stress in our lives...which opens up a whole new can of worms.

Ryan and I were talking tonight about makeup, and my business, there are so other makeup artist out there that I'm seeing all over facebook and I think their work is awful , well not awful but just not good , and it's not that I think I am the best, I know that there are many others out there that are much better then I am, and better then I possibly ever will be, and I'm ok with that, kind of, I'm working on accepting I can't compare myself to makeup artist who didn't just have a baby four months ago. but ANYWAYS, so I see this MUA, who happens to be someone I don't think is as talented as I am , and they are doing a lot of makeup and that is discouraging and a little disheartening. So Ryan and I are just talking back and forth about the industry and the contacts I know and what I should be doing now and working towards and how much money to invest in my business and when and blah, blah , blah, when it kind of dawns on me. Maybe I shouldn't be working right now like this. I've pretty much been booked every weekend for the past two months, and have had stuff going on during the week days a couple of times, and it's really taking a lot out of me. Plus there is a lot of stuff I do at home for my business people don't see, working on advertising, facebook page, I launched my new website for bridal makeup, www.monctonmakeup.com , I constantly need to be reading up on the latest products and new trends , I always have to be learning.My makeup kit takes up alot of maintence it's self, for every gig I do, I need to spend at least an hour afterwards cleaning and sanitizing everything. Plus I'm trying to network so that once my EI runs out I'll be able to stay at home with Nehemiah and not have to go back to work full time and just work part time with whatever gigs I can book. But it's alot of working, being your own product, your own brand, your own customer service, your own accountant, your own lawyer, your own graphic and web deisgner, your own marketing team, your own sales,your on industry research and testing plus I don't have somewhere where I can set up an office space in my apartment so I constantly feel disorganized.

Anyways, hopefully after that rant you appreciate freelance makeup artists a little bit more! HAHA! I'm battling with, ok what do I do and what do I leave. What is the responsible amount of work for me to take on. Am I taking on too much? I started doing makeup again 3 weeks after Nehemiah was born. I asked my husband tonight if I should stop and he said , you were going crazy, you told me you don't want to be "just a mom". Great another thing to feel guilty about, cause it's true, I don't want to be just a mom, and I feel horrible about it. Mothers are amazing and it's not that I don't think that it isn't important, I think it's very important and that's why I feel bad about my desire to pursue other things. I'm so scared I'm just going to bulldozer over my kids so I can keep getting a head in work. I've caught myself getting frustrated with Ryan the past few weeks thinking in my head "UGH, YOUR SLOWING ME DOWN!!" I hate that my heart is all upside down and I am prioritzing work over my relationships and connection with my husband. When my friends facebook me or email me, average time it takes me to get back to them is 3 weeks to a month, if I ever do. and that's not right, but it's just my life right now is Baby, Work,Baby, House,Baby, Husband,Baby Work,Baby, Sleep, Eat or Shower ( only able to choose one daily) So no I'm not at peace with being a housewife and a mom, but I don't want to be a neglectful wife and a bad mom. And I am terrified that Nehemiah is going to feel unwanted or like a burden, because he's not , not at all he is SUCH a precious gift and has blessed me beyond measure in his short little life so far, and I know it's only going to get better, ( I can't wait for him to be able to talk!) It's me , it's me it's me, it's my issues, and I don't want to ever take those on. So it's a little tormenting, make sure the baby feels love and wanted and safe and happy and all those cozy things , and then work my ass off the rest of the time on my business , then OH NO , my house smells like something crawled under the table and died,and there is nothing in the fridge to eat and my husband is shriveling up into a little prune dying for affection.Ok start focusing on the Baby and the husband ..kkk everyone is happy, OH NO, 40 emails to reply to, resume to update, facebook page to update, makeup brushes to clean, phone calls to make , I feel like I am constantly running to try and catch up on something else. BUT as I've been typing this , in the back of my mind I've been simplifying my business plan, so that I only set aside one day a week to work on things, and then the rest of the week only spend 30-45 minutes daily on emails and facebook, advertising and website maintenance, until the baby is older.

Well it's almost Three, I've trashed my dining room playing with makeup earlier , and there is a good chance my baby is going to be up in two hours. So I'm gonna head to bed. xo